Emotional Intelligence – Putting it into practice.
The definition of Emotional Intelligence (EI) is:
The ability to recognise, understand and manage your emotions, and to recognise, understand, and influence the emotions of others.
Coming from a place of supporting others, I naturally want to flip the sentence and put the ‘others’ first. I do understand why it’s written this way. We need to ‘put on our own oxygen mask’ before we can sustainably support others. While I’m picking it apart, the word ‘influence’ in this definition makes me uncomfortable. That’s probably also because of my background.
A definition is a generalisation; while everyone’s experience of emotional intelligence is as individual as the you or others that it references.
If you want to know more about the theory, there are loads of books, podcasts, and articles to help expand your knowledge. I’d suggest starting with the author who popularised the theory and quite literally wrote the book, Daniel Goleman. No matter the number of books you read though, it is by putting emotional intelligence into practice where you will learn the most about yourselves and others.
I’m sure many of you would agree that the most difficult experiences are often where the potential for growth is greatest. While we rarely get through life without those hard-earned lessons, some people get to practice emotional intelligence in a structured way, find it embedded in culture, and learn from non-traditional mentors and experiences.
This was my experience when I started working in the disability sector in 2009 and was immediately immersed in a deeply embedded person-centred approach to supporting others.
Daniel Goleman’s theory of EI focuses on five key components.
Self-awareness
Self-regulation
Empathy
Motivation
Social skills
From day one of my induction, I observed programs being delivered in small groups and one on one. Each program was individualised and had been chosen by and co-designed with participants. Many of these programs, outside of developing functional skills, were focused on components of EI; self-awareness, self-regulation, and social skills.
Each participant had what was called a One-Page Profile. The one-pager was divided into 3 headings which were ‘What people admire about me’, ‘What’s important to me’ and ‘How to best support me’. The staff knew the participants well but for new people, like me, it was gold.
The One-Page Profile effectively captured what leaders, colleagues, and peers strive to learn about their teams. It showed the participants' strengths, what they value, and what conditions or support will help them be at their best.
My job was to develop and manage a pilot social enterprise supporting employees with intellectual disabilities. The same as any other business, together we needed to work as a team, deliver contracts, retain customers, and grow our business. Ours was a group of individuals with a variety of cognitive and functional abilities and support needs. Communication varied with greater reliance on non-verbal and nuanced communication than I had experienced previously. Their interactions with each other, the broader community, and with me taught me so much. We became a well-oiled machine!
Supporting others to learn to self-regulate or to develop social skills was as much a privilege as the joy and vulnerability that each day brought. Of course, some of the hardest days were when we all learned the most and when my own self-awareness expanded exponentially.
Even though I had leadership roles prior to 2009, this experience heavily influenced my leadership style in the years that followed. When I formalised my coach training earlier this year, I quickly realised that I had been informally coaching for years and that the One Page Profile was at the heart of every coaching interaction. Helping people to understand and apply their strengths and values, discovering what supports them to perform well and be well while moving towards their goals, this is the work I love!
How can you apply some structure to your own practice of emotional intelligence? Try these as a starting point.
Sometimes we learn the most from non-traditional mentors or experiences. Identify three people in your personal or professional life whose perspective, background, or communication style is different from your own. Commit to listening to one of them this week, aiming to learn something concrete about their approach to problem-solving.
How often do you remember to ‘put on your own oxygen mask first?' Before stepping in to support someone else, have you checked in on your own emotional state? Conduct a self-audit. Consciously track when you feel emotionally depleted while helping others.
The One-Page Profile effectively captured what leaders, colleagues, and peers strive to learn about their teams. What can you implement at work, or at home, to understand more about your own and other people’s strengths and values? Do you know what supports you and those around you to do well?
I would love to know what you thought of this article and anything that has come up for you in reading it or working through the suggestions. Add comments below or contact me directly.